A completely biased and uninformed Liverpool season preview (August/September).
For the first time in nine years, we have a new manager and we don’t know exactly what to expect when LFC line up to kick off the season. Which is exciting. And nerve-wracking. And fun. It should be fun, right? It is fun, isn’t it?
Forgetting about Slott, and who will play the number 6, and is it a 4231 (don’t call it a 4231!), and will we be more Pep and less Jurgen, AND WHERE WILL TRENT PLAY?
Forgetting all that, what about the opposition?
Well, these are my completely unresearched and incredibly ill-informed, biased and haphazard thoughts on the first few games of the season. Read them and be less informed than you are now.
August
Ipswich (Away): First up, this should be tough as they’ll be “well up for it!” and “hoping for an upset”, “wanting to get the party started” and “looking to show they’re here to do more than make up the numbers”.
The TV and Football Twitter will be praying for a Tractor Boys smash and grab, let’s not give it to them.
Who are Ipswich? Does Titus Bramble still play for them? Richard Wright? I know Man U wanted to appoint their manager (oh why didn’t they do that?!)
Are they this season’s promoted side who come up with a good identity and playing style and do well (Brighton, Fulham)?
are they going to have a bit of bounce from promotion, do well for a few weeks based solely on enthusiasm and then become shit (Blackpool – the very current example I know, but who didn’t have Charlie Adam in their Fantasy Football team?!)?
Are they the naive side who get battered early on before they figure the Prem out, giving it a good go around Christmas but are still ultimately very shit (Luton)?
Or will they just be shit all season (Sheff U)?
I don’t know. Don’t really care as long as we get three points on the opening day and avoid banter. I hate banter (and also the term, “marquee signing” fuck that shit right off).
Starman: No idea. Going to say Liam Delap because I recognise his name and still fear his dad’s?/uncle’s. throw in.
Prediction: Liverpool win. They’ll get a goal from a corner though and the fans will go mental and some 16-year-old will declare it the best day of his life.
Brentford (Home): First game at Anfield for Slott. Has to get off to “a good start”; has to continue to keep it “a fortress” and all that shit.
The biggest thing I’ll miss about Jurgen (apart from the charm and sheer business of the former boss) is the home record.
Winning that many games at home. Rocking up to Anfield and knowing you were going to win. Because most times we did (ignore the Covid blip, it didn’t happen).
Please let’s not go back to what it was like under Rodgers/Houiller/Rafa/Kenny part 2 where we would get beat at home by Stoke, Leicester and West Ham. Let’s keep dicking sides at home, please.
Frank is good for them but should never have been linked with LFC. They play good football but also seem to lose a lot. And conceded. Let this trend continue.
Is Toney still there? I read that their replacement for him got injured for the season in training, another injury-prone Thiago- surely a good thing for us?
I like teams like Brentford. Recruit well, play good football, are tactically astute and aren’t just coasting on history and ridiculous signings of Man U reserves, but I like them more when they’re beating United and not us.
Starman: Hopefully Mbeumo doesn’t use this as an audition for a last-minute deadline day LFC signing.
Prediction: Playing out from the back we’ll give them a goal, the Kop will lose its mind and very pink men will scream “Get rid!” But we will rally and win 3-1.
Slott will defend the player saying “It’s what I’ve asked them to do”. Your Uncle won’t like it.
September
Man U (Away): Fucking hell back to this shit house again. Seems far too early in the season to be playing these twats.
Ten Hag, in the midst of Man U’s shittest season, was still able to do us last year and i have not forgiven it.
I can’t believe we didn’t beat them at home. That was a cunt of a result. The two away games are even worse. I even blame them for the Atalanta game because I’m weird like that.
Glad to see Ten Hag is still breaking players left, right and centre.
Also, can I say, that Jason Wilcox is not allowed to save Man U; he will forever be a sticker book shiny for Blackburn and can’t become a DoF (that’s reserved for silky foreign imports, your Brahma to his Carling if you will).
Starman: Gary Neville’s passive aggressiveness on the co-comms. Hopefully crying about how the performance is unacceptable in his podcast.
Prediction: probably a heartbreaking draw. Annoyed already.
Forest (Home): I thought they went down. Fuck are they still in the league? Who is their manager? Is it still the Brazilian Steve Bruce?
There’s something eminently unlikeable about this version of Forest. They sacked the likeable manager. They bought too many players and they feel a bit identityless.
Which of their 48 signings over the last few years will play?
Who of their financial irregularity, amortised, tax right off, swap deals will start for them (will forget and use this same sentence for Chelsea, Everton, Villa…).
I think I could just about name a Forest xi (I won’t here) but I’ve no idea what the actual side will be and don’t care.
We just need to beat them.
Starman: let’s say Hudson-Odoi (he’s probably been sold).
Prediction: Far too hard a fought narrow win. But a win nonetheless.
Bournemouth (Home): Now the exact opposite of Forest – Bournemouth are really likeable.
A proper intelligent and astute managerial appointment; stat lead recruitment of technical and young players and an identity on the pitch. I’m glad we took Hughes from them.
Hopefully, they come to Anfield, enjoy the last sunny weekend of the year, play nice football, a few players impress and go home unlucky to have been beaten 3-0.
Probably helped by Solanke not playing for them anymore by the time this trip up north comes around.
Starman: Sinisterra, a tricky winger whose name sounds like a Green Lantern Corps villain.
Prediction: 0-0 after 30 mins and they’ll have missed a few decent chances, leading to the ‘Kop murmur’. We’ll then remember we’re much better than them, Alexis will do a midfield masterclass and win comfortably.
But in a way that the highlights make it seem not that comfortable.
Wolves (Away): Wolves are the epitome of a mid-table side at the moment, aren’t they?
They (surely) have too many good, technical players to be involved in a relegation scrap, bit hampered by FFP they can’t really buy to improve their side and I don’t see them threatening the European spots at all.
They kind of just exist in the league. There to look nice in Gold and not upset anyone. Hopefully, not us anyway, as Slott’s side figures out how to really play.
Starman: Neto. Unless he is injured. Which he probably will be. If so, it’ll be Joao Gomes. Unless he has been sold. Which he probably will have been. So in that case, it’ll be Ki-Jana Hoever (it won’t be!)
Prediction: Playing them off the park, it’ll look closer than it actually was because of a few caught-on-the-break goals for them. Still another away win for Slott!
